


The Worst Day

by itsfuntofantasize



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 08:31:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11180967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsfuntofantasize/pseuds/itsfuntofantasize
Summary: they look me in the eyesall worry and angerand I know they are not naive.not anymore.





	The Worst Day

The Worst Day

they look me in the eyes  
all worry and anger  
and I know they are not naive.

not anymore.  
my hands shake  
and my heart thumps  
frantic rhythms against my chest.  
their words are  
harsh  
           blunt  
                     biting.  
they waste no words  
but i ramble on  
nervously tugging on my sleeves

fear makes me dizzy  
it encroaches upon my vision  
a dark intruding mass

i fight it off.  
they have evidence  
so do i  
but both condemn.

theirs is in pixels  
in digits  
in search history on a screen.

mine is in wounds  
in cuts  
in blood on pale skin.

theirs show the thought  
mine shows the action  
two stories no one wants told.

mom waves me over  
to the side of the bed  
trying to be calm.

but her hand jerks  
her muscles tense  
and the movement warns me.

"Pull up your sleeve."  
an order.

i hesitate, hand wavering  
frozen above my sleeve  
my mind silently screaming.

then, in a decisive movement  
my hand takes hold of the fabric  
wrenching it off  
leaving my skin bare.

though the arm doesn't seemto be mine  
my eyes cling to it  
not wanting to look up  
not wanting to seemy parents' expressions  
of distress  
                 disgust   
                           and disappointment

though i cannot see their faces  
those expressions  
are all too clear.

so i keep my gaze down  
staring at the lines  
that i so neatly cut into my skin.

my father's voice  
sounds different today  
and i look up in surprise.

he's yelling  
the sounds are unfamiliar  
and hurt my ears.

my father almost never yells  
mom says he bottles things up  
that his anger is just aged sadness.

this knowledge  
that i make him sad  
saddens me too.

it cuts me deeper  
than a blade ever could  
hurting more than anything.

he says that i have branded myself  
as a freak  
forever.

and i know he's right  
i am a freak  
he doesn't need to say it.

i've known it forever  
longer than he has  
at least.

he's still yelling  
slowly draining  
the fermented sadness.

i try to ignore him  
but it's so,  
so difficult.

his words  
are only echoes  
of what my mind has told me.

still  
hearing it from him  
is worse, somehow.

mom's eyes are empty now  
staring at me  
like drained vessels

it almost hurts more  
than dad's words  
and i half wish she would scream.

her gaze makes me want  
to curl up and  
disappear.

it reminds meof my exhaustion  
i am so tired  
tired of life  
of knowledge  
of myself

tired of everything.

finally the lecture  
is over  
and mom says i should eat.

dad stalks away  
i'm handed a sandwich  
but my hands and stomach tremble.

i tell her  
that i can't eat  
that can i please go to my room

and she says no  
she says i can't be trusted  
she says that i need the food.

so i push it away  
bury my head in the blanket  
and weep.

i think it's the longest  
that i've ever cried   
which makes me cry more. 

once i'm done  
once the cover is moist  
and salty  
i sit up.

the sandwich is gone  
but dad is back  
and i wish he weren't.

he has a test  
on a computer  
that he wants me to take.

the questions are personal  
and i struggle to answer  
because the truth hurts

it will hurt them too.

that's why i cut  
instead of leave  
because i never wanted that.

after an eternity  
the test is over  
the results are here.

i have clinical depression.

i wish i could say  
that it was  
a surprise. 

the funny thing is   
they are nicer to me  
because of that news.

mom wraps my arms  
in ace bandages  
that i know will fall off

and it's awkward as hell  
when she counts twenty cuts  
and doesn't meet my eyes.

but then she leaves  
and i'm finally alone  
but the silence is deafening.

my eyes are drawn  
to the door that  
i'm forbidden to close.

it makes my arms itch  
and my eyes burn  
and my heart throb.

so i tear my gaze away.

i collapse into bed  
and attempt to suffocate myself  
with a pillow.

it doesn't work  
so i cry some more  
quietly, so they won't hear.

and then  
i fall  
asleep.


End file.
